<\/span><\/h2>\nGaslighting is defined as a psychological manipulation tactic that makes you question your reality. It is the use of words to make you question your own version of reality and accept the gaslighters version.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nGaslighting can happen anywhere, you want to watch for it primarily in relationships. Whether it be romantic, workplace, family, or friendship. Gaslighting that is happening in a relationship is a form of control usually used by a narcissist.<\/span>
\n![\"Two](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Foggy-conversation-scene.png\")
\n<\/span><\/p>\nCommon tactics:<\/strong>
\n<\/span><\/p>\n\n- Denial of facts – Saying things like \u201cthat didn\u2019t happen\u201d It can be that clear cut as to deny something that happened, yet if they deny it in the right way you will accept that you must have misunderstood what happened.<\/span><\/li>\n
- Twisting events – \u201cNo this is how it actually happened\u201d then they tell the version where they were innocent or the hero in the story. The actual event remains the same, just the details around it are changed.<\/span><\/li>\n
- Minimizing feelings – \u201cYou\u2019re over-reacting\u201d. You are never over reacting if you are acting on your feelings. By telling you this, the hope is you will lose some of the emotions and feelings you are rightly feeling. <\/span><\/li>\n
- Shifting blame – \u201cI wouldn\u2019t have forgotten if you had reminded me like you were supposed to.” It\u2019s all of a sudden your fault that they didn\u2019t do what they were supposed to do. This can be as simple as taking their meds.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ul>\nThis works so well because our minds can\u2019t think two conflicting thoughts comfortably. And we want to be comfortable so we will go against our own beliefs to be safe. When you add in the emotional vulnerability, we are feeling, we as victims will cave easily to avoid drama.<\/span>
\n![\"Woman](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Calm-breathing-anchor.png\")
\n<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>Why Gaslighting Hurts: Emotional & Mental Consequences<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\nEach time you are a victim of gaslighting it has an impact on your self-esteem. You begin to question yourself, and the more you question yourself the less you begin to trust yourself in making the right decisions.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nWhen you are not able to trust yourself you have self-doubt. You begin to have anxiety, not sure what is right or wrong anymore. It\u2019s like you forget everything you\u2019ve ever known to be this person you are expected to be.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nYou will isolate yourself from support systems because you are not sure if you are being real with them or if you are even still similar to them. You feel like you are what the gaslighter says you are and should hang out with who they think you should be with.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nBy driving you into these “new” friendships they ensure their narrative will be carried forward via \u201cyour\u201d friends. Most likely they\u2019ve already trained this new friend to be loyal to their narratives and manipulation and can reinforce it to you.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nThis sounds like a devious plot to a movie but it happens in real life, especially in narcissistically abusive relationships. Your mind can be so twisted that you are not even sure what is real and fake, and will believe anything your abuser tells you.<\/span>
\n![\"Hand](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Documented-facts-evidence.png\")
\n<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>The Golden Rule Before Responding: Pause, Assess, Protect<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\nYou do not want to react impulsively when you respond to gaslighting. That is exactly what the gaslighter wants. Instead take a second and respond as your authentic self. It avoids the confusion for you later.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Internal checklist:<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Recognize the pattern<\/b>. Pay attention to the facts and the embellishments and differentiate them. Once you weed out the bullshit you can see if the facts are actually still intact.<\/span><\/p>\n <\/p>\n
Identify your emotional state<\/b>. Are you calm and clear headed? Or are you feeling emotional because of the situation? Take a breather if you need to and walk away. You are not required to justify yourself to this person immediately.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nDecide if engagement is safe. <\/b>There are times it\u2019s better to just walk away and there are times it\u2019s better to clarify facts. Your safety is the priority in making this decision. If it\u2019s not safe to argue details then don\u2019t, just know the truth and trust yourself.<\/span>
\n<\/span><\/p>\nIn all situations though taking a minute to anchor yourself is encouraged. Listening to this bullshit is hard, use breathing and focusing techniques to remain calm and try not to choke them for their manipulation of facts, be the bigger person.<\/span>
\n![\"Person](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Boundary-line-visual.png\")
\n<\/span><\/p>\n<\/span>30 Boundary-Setting Phrases to Respond to Gaslighting<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\nAlright here\u2019s the juicy stuff, the phrases you can use to respond to gaslighting. I tried to organize them into an easy to reference fashion so you can refer back to this when you need it. Or make a note of your favorites and carry it with you in case of an emergency.<\/span><\/p>\n![\"Hand](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Stop-the-spin-visual.png\")
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<\/span>A. Calm Clarity Phrases (Stop the Spin)<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n\n- \u201cI remember it differently, and that\u2019s okay.\u201d <\/span>
\n<\/span>You don\u2019t need justification, just accept that they see it differently and leave it at that. If you let them try to convince you of their version, you are going to let their lies intertwine with your truths.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cThat\u2019s not how I experienced it.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>If you talk to ten different people each of those people are going to experience that moment differently. This statement really can\u2019t be argued with, because everyone is at a different point in a moment so every experience is bound to be different.\u00a0<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cWe seem to have different recollections.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>It\u2019s ok for people to remember things differently, and letting them know is also reminding you. You have your memory and need to keep it, not take on their memory, with their motives hidden in them.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI\u2019m confident in my memory.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>You should be confident in how you remember things. This is your memory and only your memory. If someone remembers it differently that is their memory. Each memory is allowed to be different to each person.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI trust my perspective on this.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>You have to trust yourself more than you trust someone else. You are the one that lived that moment, and you are allowed to have a different perspective than the other person.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n![\"Woman](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Step-away-boundary-moment.png\")
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<\/span>B. Emotion Validation Phrases (Refuse Emotional Erasure)<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n\n- \u201cMy feelings are valid, even if you disagree.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Your feelings are just that. They are your feelings no one can tell you what they are or whether they are right or wrong. They do not get to tell you how to feel.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI\u2019m allowed to feel upset by this.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>100% if you are upset, be upset, they cannot tell you that you are not allowed to be, they may not want you to be, but they don\u2019t get to tell you you’re not allowed to feel this way.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cThis is important to me, regardless of your opinion.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This is a truth they shouldn\u2019t be arguing with. They are entitled to their opinion just as you are entitled to yours and they do not have to be the same, you can\u2019t agree on everything.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI don\u2019t need you to approve of my emotions.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Sometimes just saying this will remind you to not fall into the trap. It also reasserts that you are entitled to have feelings and emotions.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cYour disagreement doesn\u2019t erase my experience.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Just because they don\u2019t remember it like you do, you can let them know and move on. Don\u2019t let them dictate how you remember it. Remember things in your own way not someone else’s version.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n![\"Hand](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Journal-truth-anchor.png\")
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C. Truth Anchoring Phrases (Refuse to Abandon Facts)<\/span><\/h4>\n\n- \u201cWe can stick to what\u2019s been documented.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Yes, they will even argue with what is in their face proof. You wouldn\u2019t think you could deny it when it\u2019s right there, but I\u2019ve seen it, I\u2019ve even seen them flat out lie about evidence and falsifying documents.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cLet\u2019s check the messages\/notes to confirm.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This is how you confront them with evidence, they may still try to deny it, so you may need to use another anchoring phrase if\/when they deny the evidence.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cThe evidence supports my version.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This is a conversation ender. If they are in a full-blown manipulation mood, they will want to keep going about how they don\u2019t see things that way and try to convince you to their version.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cWe can agree to the facts we both saw.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This doesn\u2019t allow for their embellished version where they manipulate the details around the facts to change the narrative.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cLet\u2019s not change what was already established.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Once you establish a point. Make sure that the point does not later get blurred into a new false narrative that you are trying to clear up again.\u00a0<\/span>![\"Woman](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Reality-check-mirror-concept.png\")
<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n <\/p>\n
<\/span>D. Boundary Enforcement Phrases (Protect Your Mental Space)<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n\n- \u201cI\u2019m not going to continue this conversation if my reality is being questioned.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>You need to establish that you are done talking about this matter, before the conversation starts clouding your memories.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cThis is crossing my boundaries.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This should be enough said, but prepare for follow up questions that you do not need to answer, a strategic why? Will reignite the whole conversation if you let it.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cWe can continue when respect is mutual.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>This is a time out. They will want to talk about it again to convince you but enjoy a break and take some deep breaths while you clarify your own facts and detox their input.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI need to step away from this right now.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>You have the right to take a break and re-establish your memories after getting their input, so that you can keep your version intact rather than manipulated into their version.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cMy boundaries are not negotiable.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>The manipulator is going to try to cross every boundary you have and establish new normals. This is the moment to stop them, before it\u2019s too late.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n![\"Two](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Mind-clarity-vs-confusion.png\")
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<\/span>E. Deflection & Disengagement Phrases (Avoid the Trap)<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n\n- \u201cThis isn\u2019t productive for me.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>In the circle conversation this is the off-ramp to get out of a dead end argument. You need to keep your version intact and they are aiming to disembowel it and reinstall it with their narrative. That is in no way productive for you.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI\u2019m not going to debate my reality.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>Your reality is your truth and it is not up for discussion.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI choose not to engage with that.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>You have the right to make your own choses in life and choosing not to engage with someone who is trying to manipulate your reality is completely ok to do.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cI\u2019ve said what I needed to say.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>There are no more details needed. If they don\u2019t want to agree with you, they don\u2019t have to, but keep your reality.<\/span><\/li>\n- \u201cLet\u2019s revisit when we can discuss calmly.\u201d<\/span>
\n<\/span>If the tempers are starting to show it\u2019s better to walk away and come back with less emotion involved.<\/span><\/li>\n<\/ol>\n![\"Hand](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Respect-is-mutual-timeout.png\")
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<\/span>F. Empowerment & Closure Phrases (Reclaim Your Narrative)<\/span><\/span><\/h2>\n\n- \u201cI know what\u2019s true for me.\u201d<\/span>
![\"How](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Blogs-Cover-Photos-55.png\")
<\/p>\n![\"Confident](\"http:\/\/themarymcconnell.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/04\/Gaslighting-blog-hero-image.png\")