Why do some people defend the very person causing harm? Is it loyalty or fear or even dependance? There is always a reason behind it even if the victim themselves is unaware or fully aware of what they are doing.
Enablers of narcissists are the people that defend them and even eventually start adopting the traits of the narcissist without even knowing they are doing it. They may even become narcissists themselves just for sticking up for someone’s behavior repetitively.
This article is intended to show you how enablers of narcissists even happen, how it plays out for enablers of narcissists, and what we as victims can do to protect ourselves from the enablers of narcissists.
I want you to find a survival guide for defending yourself against the enablers of narcissists as well as the narcissist themselves. I don’t want you to base your journey on theory alone, I hope you can use my experience as well for your learning journey.
Who Are Enablers of Narcissists?
Enablers of narcissists are usually people that lack self-awareness and the ability to set boundaries. They will usually have a co-dependency tendency and would put the priorities of others above their own priorities.
Types of enablers:
- Active enablers
This is the person that will defend or cover up things whether they understand it or know. Because the narcissist said so, these enablers of narcissists just do it. These enablers of narcissists can go as far as to justify abuse, just to defend their narcissist.
- Passive enablers
These enablers of narcissists ignore what is in plain sight or stay silent about what is going on. These are the people that turn the other check rather than get involved. These enablers would rather stay silent to avoid conflict than defend the victim.
You can run into enablers of narcissists everyday be it a partner, parent, sibling, or friend. These enablers of narcissists are the ones that let the narcissist continue to get away with their behavior or even go as far as to justify it in some way as ok.
Enablers of narcissists are not always malicious or evil, sometimes they are a victim themselves without realizing it. Whether they are afraid or there is a trauma bond. They may just be misled by the manipulation of the narcissist.
Why Do Enablers Support Narcissists?
Enablers of narcissists may have a fear of conflict in general or with the narcissist themselves. There could also be a fear of retaliation. If they go against the narcissist what will the narcissist do to them?
Enablers of narcissists may have a codependency either emotionally, mentally, or financially that gives them a sense of loyalty to their provider. They may not even be aware of this feeling of dependency, it can feel natural after long enough.
Enablers of narcissists may be so manipulated and gaslit that they are not even sure what is real and what is the narcissist’s version of reality. They can be a victim and an enabler at the same time.
Enablers of narcissists may be conditioned by culture or family. If you were raised in a narcissistically abusive household as a child you would think that this type of thing is normal and everyday and nothing to be concerned about just keep the peace.
Enablers of narcissists have a fear of guilt and an obligation to not betray the narcissist. This would keep them up at night if they damaged the trust the narcissist shows having in them. If they only knew how the narcissist talks about them when they are not around.
Enablers of narcissists have a deep rooted fear or love for the narcissist and sometimes denial is the survival strategy of choice to be able to survive the home or workplace on a regular basis. If you say it isn’t so doesn’t that make it just go away? No, just in case you asked.
How Enablers of Narcissists Keep Toxic Cycles Alive
Enablers of narcissists will minimize the abuse with statements like it’s not that bad. Minimizing abuse: They are trying to defuse the situation without actually addressing the problem.
Enablers of narcissists will excuse their behavior with excuses like, “They had a tough childhood.” A lot of people had a tough childhood it doesn’t give them a free pass to abuse others, they need to get themselves help and work through it not abuse others as relief.
Believe it or not enablers of narcissists will actually silence victims and discourage them from speaking up or even speaking about what is happening. They do not want to call attention to the situation fearful of the outside opinion.
Enablers of narcissists will even do some of the same stuff the narcissist is doing like deflecting blame back on us the victims. They want us to take responsibility for the narc’s actions so that the narc can remain in the good light of others which keeps them in the good light.
Enablers of narcissists will participate in the triangulation or act as the narcissist’s messenger, they are so fully manipulated into believing the narc’s word is the only way that they become obedient, we can’t blame them, we were probably there to once.
Enablers of narcissists will reinforce the gaslighting done by the narcissist; they fully believe it so they will honestly start validating the narcissist’s twisted story of events even if they weren’t there. They feel this level of loyalty to the narc.
The Roles Enablers Play in a Narcissist’s World
The Protector: These enablers of narcissists provide enough external validation to the narcissist that they end up protecting them from the rest of the world because they go so far overboard with the validation they can overcome 10 criticisms from someone else.
The Justifier: The enablers of narcissists rationalize their toxic behavior, no matter what a narcissist does the justifier will make it ok and seem normal. Well yes, you’re in the mental hospital because of them but at least they never hit you. Is what I heard from them.
The Distractor: These enablers of narcissists want to sweep it under the rug and move on. They know it’s happening but feel that it should not be discussed or addressed, that would make it real, instead they shift focus away from abuse.
The Silent Bystander: These enablers of narcissists do not see themselves as enablers but they ultimately are. They see and hear about everything that happens yet say nothing, allowing harm to continue to the victim and the narcissist to continue their destruction.
The Flying Monkey: These enablers of narcissists actively join in attacking the victim. Yes they are out there. I had friends that joined the narc’s side in every argument we had. It took me leaving to realize that. And see what a real flying monkey was.
I always pictured them as the evil ones from the Wizard of Oz movie, and I still do, they just have faces of the flying monkeys that were in my life, now when I think of flying monkeys. It’s a little thing but sometimes I giggle instead of feel pain.
Signs You’re Dealing With an Enabler
- They defend the narcissist at every turn.
You are dealing with enablers of narcissists when they constantly defend the narcissist with every dirty action they take or lie, they tell. When you know the narcissist is not telling the truth and this person is sitting there convinced, they are, walk away there is no way to win 2 against 1.
- They invalidate your experiences or dismiss your pain.
Enablers of narcissists are protecting the narcissists image sometimes because their own image is tied to the narcs. They will invalidate what you are feeling and going through as if it is normal, so that you don’t want to raise a fuss and disrupt life.
- They pressure you to “forgive” or “just move on.”
I’ve had enablers of narcissists in my life, and this reason is how I knew, these were the “friends” that wanted me to just forgive and forget and move on everything will be fine. I fell for that for 15 years, every time I tried to leave and escape. This time I escaped them to.
- They redirect sympathy to the narcissist instead of the victim.
These enablers of narcissists are often the narcissist’s family members they will never see their little narc as doing anything bad so it must be that evil victim’s fault that they are behaving this way. Poor little narc and evil victim, as far as they see it.
- They become hostile if you challenge the narcissist.
If you challenge a narcissist you are already heading in for a battle royale, if you add in enablers of narcissists they will become the army that is ready to fight to protect their king narcissist, from the evil you that is trying to challenge their leader.
Why Empaths & Truth-Seekers Are Targeted by Both Narcissists and Enablers
One reason empaths are targets is that empaths naturally want to help, fix, heal or forgive. This makes them accepting of the abuse and enablers roles, because they feel so much empathy for the narcissist and the enablers who are truly victims.
Enablers of narcissists often paint the empath as having been the problem in the relationship once the victim starts to speak up. Any reason the narcissist feeds them as to why the victim was the problem and not them becomes the holy truth of facts in their eyes. Never asking the victim their side.
Enablers of narcissists are comfortable in their toxic system of life. When a victim becomes a truth seeker they become a threat to the system. When the victim speaks out and breaks the silence, they are seen as destroying the system, even if it is toxic, no-one in it realizes it.
How to Respond to Enablers of Narcissists
One route enablers of narcissists might take is denial. If they are denying the facts, let them, they are not arguing to get you to agree so conserve your energy, and hold back, when the truth comes out they won’t be able to deny it anymore and will feel foolish enough.
You already know you have to set firm boundaries with the narcissist, but do you realize you also need to set firm boundaries with the enablers of narcissists? They are playing the same game as the narc, they need the same type of boundaries to play within.
Every interaction and event with the narc needs to be documented right? So why would you not also document your interactions and events with the enablers of the narcissists? You need to. This can be crucial for clarity and validation later when you need to reflect.
Once you start to notice the enablers of narcissists and the toxic circle, seek support that is neutral outside of the circle. If you are getting support from enablers and flying monkeys the support is for you to return to your abuse cycle, you need to find a path to healing.
If you think you are going to hold enablers of narcissists accountable, I want you to think about how accountable you are able to hold the narcissist, and realize the enablers are just the same as the narcissist. They are only accountable to the narcissist.
Healing & Breaking the Cycle
You are an empath and want to change the enablers to protect them and to protect yourself, just as you want to change and help the narcissist. But it’s time for you to focus on your own well-being, if they want to change they will follow in due time. For now focus on you.
You need healing and strength to break the cycle and some of the best places to find this is in therapy, support groups, and even online forums. You can even find it in yourself with journaling. It’s not weakness to ask for help and support this is a tough road, support helps.
I thought in the beginning of my journey that detachment from the narcissist and the enablers of narcissists was necessary for my healing. In all honest it was, not hearing the support for the narc, gave me the detachment to focus on myself.
Now that I feel healed I am onto forgiveness and letting some people back into my life. I now analyze each one, to be sure I’m not allowing enablers of narcissists or narcissists back into my life, but I forgive those that hurt me, they didn’t know any better than I did.
After leaving a world of a narcissists and enablers of narcissists choosing a healthier relationship is a challenge and I’m sorry to tell you, you probably will be friends or romantic with a narcissist, we feel like they are normal.
After time and lessons you do start to choose healthy relationships and walk away from people with toxic traits, the first couple times it feels strange to not feel or see narcissism, but it’s nice when you look at a room of people you know and can’t find one narc.
Enablers of narcissists will help the narcissist keep the toxic cycle and toxic circle in tack by using silence, justification or protection. The enablers of narcissists may not even realize they are doing it, they just feel they are protecting a favored one in their life.
You can’t expect to change enablers of narcissists with a magic wand, but you can have boundaries with them just as you would with a narcissist, look at them as narcissist apprentices. Build boundaries that allow you clarity and healing.
Awareness is the first step to freedom, now that you are aware of these enablers of narcissist you’ve taken the first step, now it’s time to take the next step and start protecting your peace and allowing clarity and healing in your life.
If you’re noticing signs of narcissistic abuse or you feel stuck in a narcissistic relationship, you’re not alone — and it’s not your fault. What you’re experiencing is real, and healing is possible.
For more support, visit https://www.themarymcconnell.com for free educational resources, recovery tools, and guidance to help you recognize toxic patterns, rebuild your self-trust, and move forward safely.
If you need immediate help, support is available 24/7: National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ (1-800-799-7233), Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741), and 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).
Have you dealt with a narcissist or recovered from narcissistic abuse? If you feel safe, share your experience in the comments — your story might be the moment someone else realizes they’re not “crazy,” they’re being harmed.
Looking for more guidance on narcissism and recovery? Explore the related articles below on boundaries, gaslighting, love bombing, and healing after narcissistic abuse to keep building your path to emotional freedom.
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