(COVER)
Before you figure out how to recover from narcissistic abuse, be sure you are clear in the difference from a toxic relationship, A toxic relationship someone is just a jerk and doesn’t deserve you.
A narcissistic abusive relationship shows patterns and intent in the behavior pattern. The difference is the long term impact on your self esteem, self confidence, and self worth. Those are what a narcissist kills. Not just your feelings.
When you are in a narcissistic pattern of abuse figuring out how to recover from narcissistic abuse is the last thing on your mind. While enduring the abuse the emotional, psychological and even physical toll it takes on someone leaves them simply wanting to survive the day.
When you figure out how to recover from narcissist abuse it is a personal journey. Healing is possible, hell even thriving after abuse is possible but it is a personal journey and no two people go down the same path in healing. l.
While each journey is personal there are 11 actionable steps that every victim can take towards feeling like themselves again in their very own personal healing journey reclaiming peace and a sense of self again.
(IMAGE)
Understanding the Trauma
Acknowledge What Happened Was Abuse
Narcissistic abuse is a combination of tactics used by someone to bring you down so that you are susceptible to being controlled. It involves gaslighting, love bombing, manipulation, devaluation and eventually discard.
The combination and pattern of abuse are what makes it invisible to the victim. As a victim we are made to believe that they are right and we are wrong, and that we are not able to even make a decision without their input, it is programming.
This makes one of the hardest parts, the first step to healing, acknowledging the pattern and the abuse. As a victim, we are made to feel so worthless that we honestly feel we deserve what is being said to us and how we are being treated.
Step number one is the biggest one. Realizing the way they treat you is not ok.
Understand Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome (NAS)
During the abuse as victims our mind and bodies will fall into fight, flight, or fawn. We will either fight back, cower down like a fawn, or book our flight out of the situation. The back side that we end up with is the PTSD/CPTSD from the prolonged exposure.
As we live through the abuse cycles it instills in us confusion, shame, guilt, and low self esteem/self worth. Imagine as each time your abuser is insulting you it compounds. By the time we realize what’s wrong with them we actually think it’s us that caused it.
As the patterns of abuse continue it is programmed in us by their wording and actions of how things are our fault. What is happening though is the narcissist is regaining control by taking us down one more step until we are in the basement of life.
11 Powerful Steps to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse
(IMAGE)
Go No Contact or Set Firm Boundaries
Everyone’s situation is different. I would love to tell everyone block, block, block, but I am still forced to communicate with my ex, and when we do we need to limit and avoid engagement as much as possible.
There are situations in life that are going to require you to talk to the narc of days past, but when you do keep it to the facts, almost like you’re emailing the IRS. You do not want to give them any details that can be later used against you.
Every situation is different when there is custody or family cases, obviously you are going to have to communicate, but you can limit it. Billy has a cold, went to the doc, ok in 24 hrs, instead of a 3 page text of what you have been through.They really don’t care anyways.
Give them the facts they need, and keep the emotions to talk to with friends and your support system. Facts are hard to manipulate, emotions are an easy target, keep it to a minimum, the narc is not going to be supportive.
(IMAGE)
Allow Yourself to Grieve
You were with this person for some time and had feelings, don’t discard that. But you do need to process it, again realize what you’ve been through even as you process the love you feel is now gone, as you learn you will heal.
When you are feeling sad you are mourning what you saw the relationship as, but as you start to understand the abuse you were subjected to, you can start to see the difference of what you saw and what was really happening.
Give yourself time and space for an onslaught of emotions. I personally lost count of how many feelings I went through. The stand outs were definitely Anger, Sadness, and betrayal. I felt so dumb and hurt after I started looking back at what I went through.
The thing I found though was I was being authentic, I made mistakes yes but I was being real, my abuser was the one that was playing games and manipulating the reality of who we both were.
(IMAGE)
Journal and Name the Abuse
As you are going through the abuse cycles of narcism, documenting what is happening is a huge step in acknowledging it. Every journal entry you write is a record to remind you of where you are or where. The strength it gives you late is HUGE.
As you are writing what you went through today, imagine being yourself 6 months from now. You are reclaiming the clarity of what happened and documenting the patterns all while you are releasing your emotions as you write.
As I started to use journaling in my healing journey one thing it helped with was clarity that as things are said to me even today, they are not true, I have my own words to remind me of reality versus the false life I lived with a narcissist.
As you read your own words you are speaking to yourself in the future as you journal to remind yourself what you are going with, fully honest and raw. This record is only for you to reflect on, and if it is needed for records it’s better to be honest anyway
(IMAGE)
Surround Yourself with Safe People
You have to find your tribe. People that hurt you need to go, it’s hard, but true. If you have a narcissistic ex, you have flying monkeys hovering around you that you need to avoid. Figure out who is true to you and who is helping the narc you left.
I personally moved completely across the country, found other narcissistic survivors. I tried to go back to the other coast with “family” and ended up moving back in 3 months to my real family. You have to figure out who is there for YOU!
It’s one of the hardest parts of leaving a narcissist that you have to face. They Lie! And people that believe them will not be the people you thought they were. It’s eye opening when someone you’ve trusted stabs you in the back because of what the narc says.
The biggest lesson to learn though is that if you have mutual contacts with the narcissist you left, they are also being manipulated and lied to and unfortunately are accepting it. These are not the authentic people you need in your life. Let them go.
(IMAGE)
Rebuild Your Self-Identity
When you have experienced narcissist abuse one of the first things you lose is you. You forget what you like, because you are so worried about what they like and want. You forget what is important to you.
When you first leave, give yourself grace. You are going to make mistakes, drink too much, and have a special time with a guy you hardly know. It’s part of the process. You have been a caged prisoner, don’t judge yourself now that you have freedom.
You will recover. But you need this “teenage year” experience. What do you really like? What do you truly in your core hate???? I bet you asked what the narc thought? I’m not kidding about this. You need to find out who YOU are.
Honest question. Do you remember the last time you smiled until your cheeks hurt or laughed so hard your stomach hurt? This is your time to find what makes that happen for you. You truly need to feel joy!
(IMAGE)
Seek Therapy or Trauma-Informed Counseling
Being abused is a major life event, no matter how long it happened, the moment of clarity is traumatic no matter what. You need guidance, you need help. You uare tougher than hell for what you’ve been through, but guidance yes, this is new.
You may have been narcissistically abused or any type of abuse it doesn’t matter, you were hurt, that’s what matters, and if you cut yourself you would seek a medical professional or at least someone that knows how to help. Do the same for mental injuries.
When you are seeking a professional, find someone you feel comfortable being open with. You want to be completely up front to get the best help possible. Also look for someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse, who will understand what you’ve been through.
You don’t have to use a traditional therapist either. You could look into EMDR, somatic therapy, hypnotherapy, the world is open, and there is not only one way to heal. Every person heals in their own way so find what works best for you.
(IMAGE)
Learn About Narcissism to Detach Emotionally
Education is empowering. The more you learn the more you understand and the easier it becomes to heal. You know you feel bad, but understanding why they did what they did and the narcissistic personality disorder they have helps in healing.
When you understand how the narcissist has made you feel like your reaction to their actions has been shamed and turned around on you so many times, you honestly think you are the problem, understanding the diabolical schemes of the narc shows it’s not your fault.
You are probably experiencing guilt, shame or even obsession wanting them back. As you learn more about the actual disease of narcissism and its effect on the victims these feelings make more sense and start to go away. But it does take time and support.
(IMAGE)
Reframe the Narrative
If you are feeling shame, look at why you feel that way, really look at the situation that gave you the feeling. I bet you can look back and see how strong you were for what you went through, and the guilt the narc is installing in you is not real.
The narcissist uses guilt and shame to manipulate you during your relationship. You are used to feeling this way. Now it’s time to correct the misdirection of the abuse and start to see the strength in you not made up weaknesses.
As you look back, look at every time you feel guilty. If you pay attention you can start to see the pattern of the blame shifting and start to see you were manipulated into shame, you should in fact be damn proud of yourself for getting out.
By reframing the narrative you can go from victim to survivor to thriver.
(IMAGE)
Practice Daily Self-Compassion and Mindfulness
After what you have lived through it is important to start a daily practice of self compassion and mindfulness exercises. You need daily reminders of how amazing and strong you are.
Being in a narcissistic relationship is exhausting emotionally and mentally trying to keep up with the lies and manipulation, not to mention the blame shifting, you survived. Now you need to heal and daily self compassion and mindfulness are key to healing.
I personally set my alarm 15 minutes early and hit snooze. During the snooze I say 5 affirmations and 5 gratitudes, before I actually get out of bed I take 3 square breaths and get out of bed. It sounds silly but the regime helps me everyday.
You are not going to always be on the healing path. You will have setbacks and that’s ok give yourself the compassion and mindfulness to know that you are human and doing a huge thing that you’ve never done before. Setbacks are part of the healing journey.
Rebuild Your Sense of Safety
You are probably feeling scared and timid. This is a huge thing you are doing, fear is normal not to mention your nervous system is shot. How many times have you gone through every emotion imagable in one day with your narc?
Keeping you on edge is part of the narcissist’s tactics, if you’re always on eggshells while you are with a narcissist, why would you expect your body and emotions to switch gears the minute you get away.
As your nervous system has been in survival mode during your relationship, you have to allow it time to figure out that you are now safe and no more toxic garbage will be thrown at you. I’m betting you can’t even fully believe it yet, why would your body?
Create a safe physical space for yourself and techniques that you can do without even thinking about it to calm yourself down. I personally get in my truck, crank the music to full blast, and go for a drive after 5 square breathes. But find where and what works for you.
(IMAGE)
Relearn Healthy Relationship Dynamics
You have survived an unhealthy relationship thinking everything was ok and normal. Before you venture into a new relationship, learn what the dynamics of a healthy relationship are. You are trying to ride a motorcycle after crashing on a bicycle.
You will need to learn what a real connection is, all you had was a gaslit cycle of abuse, you were guilted into staying with that person. A true relationship is two people who have a real connection and stay together because they are happy together.
Things like mutual respect and emotional reciprocity. Even saying the words causes confusion right. You haven’t had that so how do you know what you are looking for as a healthy partner? Take time and learn about what a healthy relationship is.
(IMAGE)
Challenges in Recovery: How to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse
You have suffered, and you will have memories or flashbacks. You can even have emotional flashbacks where you have a feeling of fear that just overwhelms you out of nowhere, this causes cognitive dissonance, because you are faced with conflicting feelings.
You are always going to want closure or validation of your feelings from the narcissist. A narcissist’s worst enemy is accountability, so you are going to have to heal by giving yourself a sense of closure, burn a picture, write a letter and not send it. Don’t wait around.
In a shared custody/co-parenting you have to navigate this carefully with strong boundaries in place. It sounds unreal but a narcissist will use their own child to regain control of you. Put as many safety measures in places as you can.
Trust issues are real and trying to build a real relationship in the future will be affected. You’ve been manipulated by someone you loved, you are going to unfortunately be looking for any sign of this behavior in anyone you are with.
Take time and try to trust and just know that if the relationship doesn’t work out, it wasn’t meant to be. Some relationships after your abuse are more learning opportunities than true love. Be patient, the right person for you will come along, just might not be on your schedule.
(IMAGE)
No two people will heal the same, be patient with yourself if you are not healing as fast as someone else or someone else is healing slower than you. This is a very personally deep journey that is worth every moment of confusion and learning.
Take one step at a time, but keep moving forward, if you fall back, double down your effort the next day and get back on your path of healing. Healing isn’t a straight line, there are curves, u-turns, fast lanes and slow lanes, but no matter what you will get there.
I know it feels hopeless sometimes, I lost count of the nights I cried myself to sleep or just burst into tears driving down the freeway, but in the end I have no regrets, I feel that each challenge I faced was an opportunity to learn a new way to do things.
It takes time but today I wake up without doing breathing techniques. I haven’t had a panic attack in months and I’m starting to find real pure joy in things I forgot I loved. When you start to wake up before the alarm with a smile, you will know you have healed. It’s honestly wonderful.
If you recognize these signs or feel trapped in a narcissistic relationship, please know that you’re not alone – and it’s not your fault.
Your healing journey matters, and support is available. Visit themarymcconnell.com for free educational resources, recovery tools, and a community of survivors who understand exactly what you’re going through.
For immediate help: • National Domestic Violence Hotline:https://www.thehotline.org/ | Call 1-800-799-7233 • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Your voice matters. If you have additional resources that have helped you, please share them in the comments below – together we can create a network of support for everyone who needs it.
Have you dealt with a narcissist? Your story could help someone else recognize the signs or feel less alone. Share your experience in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so.
Remember: You deserve love that feels safe, not chaotic. You deserve respect, not manipulation. You deserve healing, and it’s possible. 💙
Looking for more guidance on narcissism and recovery from narcissistic abuse? Explore our collection of expert articles on recognizing toxic patterns, healing, and reclaiming your confidence. Start your journey to empowerment and emotional freedom with these helpful blog posts.
The Hidden Meaning Behind the Narcissist Eyes
Why Do Narcissists Want to Hurt You: The Truth Behind Their Manipulative Behavior
How to Expose a Narcissist Safely Without Falling Into Their Trap
What Does Narc Mean? A Deep Dive into Narcissism and Its Impact on Relationships
Narcissist and the Silent Treatment: How to Recognize, Respond and Reclaim Your Voice
Dealing with a Narcissist at Work: 9 Survival Strategies to Protect Your Sanity and Career
How to Shut Down a Narcissist: 7 Powerful Responses to Silence Them
Narcissistic Traits in Males: 12 Disturbing Signs You Can’t Ignore
Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists? The Truth About Their Self-Perception and Denial
How Does the Narcissist Feel When You Move On: The Shocking Truth They Don’t Want You to Know!
Are Narcissists Evil or Products of Their Past?
Narcissist Love Bombing: How to Spot the Signs Before It’s Too Late
40 Eye-Opening Narcissist Quotes That Reveal How Narcissists Think and Manipulate
What Causes Narcissism: Find Out About Its Origins
10 Empowering Signs You’re Healing from Narcissistic Abuse
Things Narcissists Say: 18 Classic Phrases That Reveal Their True Personality
The Toxic Dynamics of a Narcissistic Family: How Control and Silence Keep the Cycle Alive
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: Everything You Need to Know
Can a Narcissist Change for the Right Woman? Why Love Alone Isn’t Enough to Fix Them
Understanding and Overcoming the Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
How to Break Up with a Narcissist: The Step-by-Step Guide to Leaving Without Losing Yourself
How Are Narcissists Created: Uncovering the Deep-Rooted Causes of Narcissism
The Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Explained and How to Break the Cycle
