Narcissistic personality disorder or NPD which is noticeable by a sense of superiority (grandiose). But someone who uses manipulation and other tactics to control others to make them feel this way. They cause havoc in society with their behavior and demeaning tactics.
These people will destroy relationships and in the carnage are left the victims of the unnoticed abuse. They will literally strip a person of all their self worth, leaving them with nothing just to satisfy their own selfish emotional needs to feel superior.
So how are narcissists created? Is it the way they were born or is it developed over time? Is it a family influence or society? It may even be a combination. As we dive into how narcissists are created, I’m hoping you find the answer you are seeking in your healing journey.
Understanding Narcissism
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is noticeable primarily by the way a person carries themselves, they honestly believe they are the most important person. That all attention should be on them.
While it is hard to diagnose NPD, due to the fact that a narcissist thinks they are perfect and usually won’t get evaluated. But they also have an amazing gift of manipulation, making others question even their own thoughts. Making a diagnosis difficult.
When you are asking how narcissists are created remember that not every person that shows narcissist traits is a true narcissist. Everyone has a sense of self importance rightfully so, but no one should feel they are the only important person.
There is a spectrum of narcissism as well from someone who is just kind of a jerk all the way to someone who is a complete and total monster. Someone who thinks highly of themselves, and someone who is beyond self absorbed.
How are narcissists created, by nature? Were they just born thinking no one else matters but them? Like all the other people on earth are just here to serve them and meet their every needs?
Or did they grow up learning that others’ needs didn’t matter as much as theirs? Were they placed on a pedestal so high no one could compare to them and they knew it.
It’s hard to say in a general sense you may have to look at each case separately.
The Role of Childhood in Narcissistic Development
There is a link to impacts of early childhood experiences in how narcissists are created. The early developmental stages of life affected by a narcissistic parent can instill the narcissistic traits early on in life. With these factors:
Parental Influence:
Overindulging a child can cause them to start to feel a sense of superiority giving them the classic narcissistic grandiose personality, and letting them start to believe that everyone should treat them like this.
On the other end of the spectrum if a child is neglected or emotionally deprived it can cause a deep feeling of inadequacy. This is combatted internally with almost a vengeance.
They begin to feel that if they act like it doesn’t hurt them and build a mask that they are above all of this abuse then they will survive. The problem is the mask never seems to come off and this becomes a full time personality.
In some households love is only shown for accomplishments. When a child is tought that they have to earn love by achievements it causes conditional love, that then the child feels is what love is supposed to be like.
In each of these upbringings there will be emotional damage that can stunt the emotional growth of an individual. Without proper healing and dealing with these childhood traumas it can cause a lasting effect on the victim.
While that is all in the day to day raising of a narcissist, there are also the traumas and emotional wounds that they carry forcing them to develop narcissistic coping tools which then lead to being the same tools they use on their victims later.
As they develop the skill to gaslight their abuser they figure out they can use this new skill on innocent people to get what they want thereby taking power from their abuser and giving it to them with their own victim.
When the narcissist gaslight their parents or blame shifted as a child they may have been rewarded for being “good”. That’s when they started to figure out they could appear good but still be bad and still be praised. Wow! This is everything.
When a child lies and then is rewarded because the parents think it was honest they can develop a habit of lying. This gets them what they want….out of trouble, or being the favorite. A narc can adopt these strategies and use them now for evil.
While overindulging and neglect are too extreme on the spectrum each can cause a change in the mental development of a child. In extreme situations a child has no choice but to develop coping skills. If the abuse doesn’t stop they keep learning.
As these traits continue to grow in a child, as the child becomes an adult they haven’t handled their trauma yet and become so closed off to emotional development, that it becomes hard to correct.
Psychological and Emotional Coping Mechanisms
While there is no one thing that you can say leads people to narcissism, there are defense mechanisms narcissists use as a child that you can see later in life as fully developed, that lead someone towards narcissism.
Splitting – this is seeing someone as an extreme only. Either good or bad. The narcissist does not have the mental growth to be able to see that all people have both good and bad in them, it is black and white for a narcissist.
Projection – blaming others for their problems. This is the person that no matter what bad has happened in their life there is always someone to blame, all though it’s never them.
Grandiosity as a Shield- This is how a narcissist hides their shortcomings in emotional and mental maturity. If they act like the part, everyone will believe them, and they believe that with this shield no one can hurt their feelings.
Narcissists don’t understand the concepts of empathy and self awareness. They are too focused on everyone else’s opinion of them. They don’t take the time to actually realize how their behaviors make others feel or do they care.
A narcissist level of self awareness is scary. They have made themselves believe that they are flawless, all flaws are in others. So how can they ever grow or mature? They stunt their own growth with this false sense of grandiose.
One theory in how narcissists are created is that it’s the lack of a secure attachment as a child. As a child grows up they need that human that they bond to. If a child doesn’t have this they lack a sense of human attachment.
Without human attachment there can not be a stable emotional bond, therefore never teaching the child at a normal early age of emotions. They then start masking this lack of needed emotional development with a sense of grandiosity.
Their over indulged sense of superiority says fine, you won’t give me what I want, I don’t need it. I’m tougher than you and I don’t need your attachment or anyone else. So there. And they keep throwing this same temper tantrum throughout their lives.
Biological Influences on Narcissistic Development
Studies are now starting to show that narcissism has a hereditary rating of 1.64. What that means is that not only can the conditions affect the person so can their genes. It is now internal and external forces causing this development.
This new view is eye opening, and while as a victim I still have anger towards my abuser, I also now have pity for their illness, and a hope that someone can find a cure for this toxic disease that is affecting so many.
Other studies are now also finding that the brain structure of a narcissist is unique. With overactive brain waves in areas of self focus, and reduced activity in the areas affecting emotional regulation and empathy.
And yet other studies show that narcissism could just be a genetic predisposition. Like being born with red hair only you are born with a massive amount of red flags. I mean think about being born as a narcissist and never being shown different.
This is not excusing their behavior at all. In fact it’s showing their lack of mental growth even stronger. They need help to be able to overcome their disabilities and in a toxic upbringing by a narcissistic parent(s) the disability in them only progresses.
Now when you add in hormones like cortisol and dopamine, you create a toxic cocktail of narcissism. These 2 opposing hormones create a roller coaster of behavior. The narcissist gets this from their supply where a normal person would get it in a happy place.
A narcissist seeks it like a vampire seeking blood. The narcissist seeks supply in the same fashion. Yes we all seek happiness that’s normal. But that’s not what the narcissist is looking for, they don’t have a clear understanding of emotions so they are just filling in the hormone.
Cortisol is the hormone that is released with fear and stress. If you image this as a dripping faucet that never shuts off, only goes on stronger. This is what is surging through a narcissist.
Dopamine on the other hand is that happy hormone you feel when you see a cute bunny in a field of flowers, etc. When a narc actually feels this it’s like heroin. They don’t care how they get it, but they are going to get it. They want to overdose on this.
So if you’ve ever seen a drug addict going for their drug that is like watching a narcissist chase after dopamine, and nothing and nobody will stop them from getting their high. They don’t care about your sacrifice, they care about their fix.
Societal and Cultural Contributions to Narcissism
In today’s society people look to money and power as inspiration and with admiration. The narcissist feels they deserve to be on the top of this pyramid, regardless of how they get there, or who gets hurt along the way.
As long as our culture is rewarding their status, power, and apparent success. Their ego continues to get fed and all is well. And they can enhance their powers to climb to the next level, now that they have control of this level and have destroyed all players.
Social media is feeding their craze, whether it’s selfies or finding the videos that agree with their twisted point of view to convince you of their belief. Or glorifying their behavior as normal or manly. Social media feeds their ego.
The fashion in which society idolizes power and status feeds the mindset of a narcissist. It’s exactly what the narcissist longs for. So if they can get to the top of a social circle, this is their throne. It doesn’t matter to them what it costs you for their success.
They feel that they now rule all that praise them. The funny thing is they kind of do. With their manipulation tactics they really do control what people around them do and think, and no one even notices.
Different parenting styles and influences though can help determine the outcome of the genetic and hereditary traits of NPD. If the behavior is encouraged then of course it will be continued and expanded.
When the behaviors are corrected though, you can end up with an empath who understands feelings even deeper. And the great thing is this can happen anywhere along the way of their development.
The Difference Between Narcissists and Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse
The question comes up, Do All Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Become Narcissists? No they don’t if they get the awareness and support they need they can grow their empathy to a more normal level and begin to discover feelings.
The problem is if they are already feeling that they are perfect, then they can not address what they will not accept. If you are a big enough person to see something is wrong emotionally and address it, you can avoid becoming a narcissist.
The narcissist develops their cycle over time but they are all fundamentally the same. Love bomb, devaluate, discard, repeat. Once they master it, the victim has to recognize the cycle before they can break it.
Victims become entangled like a web in the narcissists cycle and sometimes, like in my case, our eyes open one day and say this isn’t ok, this isn’t right, and we start to learn and grow stronger to get out of the abuse cycle.
It has been said that empaths and narcissists come from the same design, the strange thing is it’s like we walk down a path together and one day we come to a fork in the road and choose different directions in emotional growth.
An empath decides to go down the road of compassion. Helping others, offering support, and a true giver. These are the people that found emotional growth on their path, possibly even without guidance but instead with rejection of the other path.
A narcissist feels that they are the only one that matters and others are just a means to keep them satisfied. With those blinders only their needs are served and others are put away when not needed.
Can Narcissism Be Prevented or Treated?
So is there a way to stop how narcissists are created? Some say early childhood intervention helps. Experts suggest the following intervention to help curve the chances of narcissism but there is no sure fix sometimes it just happens:
Balanced love – not worshipping or rejecting but keeping things in balance, and letting a child know love is not based on their performance or status.
Realistic Praise – Not just for beating out others but also for being a good person or handling something well.
Boundaries – Setting boundaries and having consequences for breaking boundaries. And encouragement to respect boundaries.
Emotional literacy – making sure healthy emotional development happens by making sure they know about emotions and feelings and they are ok to have.
A Role model – Raising a child isn’t do what I say not what I do. Children learn by example so if you behave like a narcissist your child will probably do the same.
There are therapeutic approaches to help minimize NPD in a person, but here is where that sense of grandiose bites them right in the buttocks. You see how can you be perfect and need help at the same time? So why get help?
Therapists offer things like, Psychodynamic/schema therapy, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), and Group therapy. But a narcissist would have to believe they are not perfect in order to seek or accept this type of therapy much less agree to be tested.
So as well as asking yourself how are narcissists created you are probably also asking yourself can they change. And the answer is unfortunately it is rare.
As I pointed out, a Narcissist’s sense of grandiose prevents them from admitting they need help. Yet there are some who mature enough emotionally to do this, it is rare, yet beautiful.
I do know of some self aware recovering narcissists and the perspective they share has really helped open my eyes and I encourage them and others to try to find their path towards true happiness and healing.
So how are narcissists created? After everything we’ve explored, it’s clear there is no single cause and no simple answer. Narcissism grows out of a messy mix of:
- Childhood experiences – overindulgence, neglect, conditional love, and trauma that stunt emotional growth and teach a child to survive with masks, lies, and grandiosity.
- Psychological defenses – splitting, projection, gaslighting, and that constant “I’m better than you” shield that hides a deeply insecure, emotionally underdeveloped child in an adult body.
- Biology and hormones – genetic predisposition,self-focus, and cortisol/dopamine imbalances that keep them chasing admiration and hiding from accountability.
- Society and culture – A world that says that because they control another human they are not abusive they are just powerful and should be admired instead of disrupting their false sense of self.
These factors help explain how narcissists are created. They do not excuse the damage they cause or their behavior in general. You did not cause their disease. You simply one that had to clean up the shit to keep their image going.
Hope for Survivors and Those Struggling With Narcissistic Traits
If you’re a survivor of narcissistic abuse, here’s the most important thing:
You do not have to become what hurt you.
Victims of narcissistic abuse can grow into:
- Deeply empathetic, self-aware, boundary-honoring humans
- Cycle-breakers who refuse to pass this pain to the next generation
Empaths and narcissists may start with similar wounds, but at some point there’s a fork in the road. The narcissist chooses, “I am the only one that matters.” The survivor chooses, “I never want anyone to feel what I felt.”
If you see narcissistic traits in yourself, there is hope too—but it requires real work:
- Admitting, “I hurt people. I am not always right. I need help.”
- Staying in therapy when your ego feels attacked
- Choosing accountability over image, again and again
Change is possible, but it is usually slow, partial, and rare. Words and tears are not proof. Consistent behavior over time is. Your job, whether survivor or struggler, is not to be perfect—it’s to be honest and willing.
Call to Action: Awareness, Healing, and Boundaries
Where do you go from here?
- Grow Your Awareness
Learn the signs of narcissistic behavior and the abuse cycle—love bombing, devaluation, discard, hoovering. Name what happened to you. Teach your children and loved ones what healthy love actually looks like. - Commit to Emotional Healing
- Survivors: seek trauma-informed support—therapy, groups, nervous system work, safe connections that show you love does not have to hurt.
- Those with narcissistic traits: find a qualified therapist and stay, especially when it’s uncomfortable. Real healing starts where your defenses want to run.
- Set and Honor Healthy Boundaries
You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to go low- or no-contact. You are allowed to leave, even if they never admit what they did. Protecting your peace, your children, and your future is not selfish—it’s survival and self-respect.
If you recognize these signs or feel trapped in a narcissistic relationship, please know that you’re not alone – and it’s not your fault.
Your healing journey matters, and support is available. Visit themarymcconnell.com for free educational resources, recovery tools, and a community of survivors who understand exactly what you’re going through.
For immediate help: • National Domestic Violence Hotline:https://www.thehotline.org/ | Ca
ll 1-800-799-7233 • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Your voice matters. If you have additional resources that have helped you, please share them in the comments below – together we can create a network of support for everyone who needs it.
Have you dealt with a narcissist? Your story could help someone else recognize the signs or feel less alone. Share your experience in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so.
Remember: You deserve love that feels safe, not chaotic. You deserve respect, not manipulation. You deserve healing, and it’s possible. 💙
Looking for more guidance on narcissism and recovery from narcissistic abuse? Explore our collection of expert articles on recognizing toxic patterns, healing, and reclaiming your confidence. Start your journey to empowerment and emotional freedom with these helpful blog posts.
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How Does the Narcissist Feel When You Move On: The Shocking Truth They Don’t Want You to Know!
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The Toxic Dynamics of a Narcissistic Family: How Control and Silence Keep the Cycle Alive
Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: Everything You Need to Know
Can a Narcissist Change for the Right Woman? Why Love Alone Isn’t Enough to Fix Them
Understanding and Overcoming the Long-Term Effects of Narcissistic Abuse
How to Break Up with a Narcissist: The Step-by-Step Guide to Leaving Without Losing Yourself
The Stages of Narcissistic Abuse Explained and How to Break the Cycle
