Not all toxic relationships are romantic, some are hiding in plain sight as “friendships.” You do not have to be in a romantic relationship with a narcissist to feel the abuse, it can be a family member or even a friend.
Friendship with a narcissist can damage you just as much as a romantic relationship with a narcissist.
In a healthy friendship you are able to openly and honestly express your thoughts and feelings. In a friendship with a narcissist it is always about them, and when you are allowed to speak you have to be careful what you say to not upset them.
I want to share 9 truths that explain why friendship with a narcissist is emotionally exhausting and what options and tools you have available to protect yourself and yes even escape is necessary.
Is it possible to maintain a friendship with a narcissist?
Conditional Possibility – You might be able to stay friends but you will need strong boundaries and impenetrable protection tools. Remember a narcissist is always looking for an opening to gain control.
Emotional Cost vs. Value – When you feel you have a genuine connection you need to look at that connection and decide if it is worth your emotional well being and sense of self worth. In a friendship with a narcissist you are only providing supply not connecting
Self-Preservation Strategies – You can limit vulnerability and manage expectations, in a friendship with a narcissist and prioritize your well-being, while maintaining the friendship but you have to be diligent in enforcing the boundaries.
When the Narcissist Is Your Ex – When the “let’s stay friends” conversation with your narcissistic ex and you agreed, the friendship with a narcissist ex is only for them to spy on you and keep the connection for when they need your supply again.
Hidden Motives Behind “Staying Friends” – From the narc’s perspective, the friendship with a narcissist is to manipulate, spy, or sabotage your healing and future relationships. They do not want you to move on, they need to stay close enough to prevent that from happening.
9 Truths You Need to Know About Friendship with a Narcissist
1. The Friendship Is Always About Them
Have you had that friend that you have a major accomplishment, and they cut you off mid-sentence to tell you about their dog that learned to sit.
Now your accomplishment is forgotten, or a major sadness and now they have a hang nail that is way more important. No matter what you do they need to be the center of attention.
When you are telling someone about major events that are happening in your life and they divert the conversation to something in their life without even giving you any kind of admiration but instead needing all attention in their direction. That is a red flag of a friendship with a narcissist.
When someone is constantly trying to one up you in a conversation it becomes belittling. I’ve found myself shutting down and not wanting to engage because there seems to be no point or purpose; it is always going to be about them anyways.
If you are in a friendship with a narcissist, slowly distancing yourself is your best game plan. You have to ease away and don’t expect that they are going to change if you talk to them about it. Then the rumors become that they are in a friendship with a narcissist.
2. They Use Your Vulnerabilities Against You
When you confide confidential information while in a friendship with a narcissist it is transformed into swords that will later stab you when you least expect it. You have to hold your secrets close when you have a narcissist in your life.
During my escape, I had a friend I was helping a friend I thought was also trying to escape. Later she didn’t like a boundary I set so they moved out and a few months later started talking to my ex, while we were still in settlement court.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you feel like you can trust them, but unfortunately, they are gathering information that will be used against you later, when they are not getting the supply the need from you.
If you’re in a friendship with a narcissist, don’t overshare, don’t share confidential information. You can share in a general sense and discuss things in a general sense but they don’t need details that could hurt you if they were shared.
3. They Disappear When You Need Them Most
If you’re in a friendship with a narcissist when you are going through hard times or celebrating something major, are they there? Are they giving you as much support as you would give them if the situation was reversed?
If your in a friendship with a narcissist you will notice that they are not there when you need them no matter how much they claim they are. They might be on the phone with you while you are going through it, but are they helping you or talking about their problems?
When your in a friendship with a narcissist and are expecting the same level of support in a hard situation and it is all of a sudden not there, that is a problem. You give your effort towards the friendship with a narcissist doing the bare minimum to maintain the relationship.
When you are in hard times, be realistic, you are not going to be able to count on this person. If you know this going into the hard times your friendship with a narcissist can be put on the back burner, go grey rock and you can reconnect later.
4. You’re Constantly Walking on Eggshells
If you’re in a friendship with a narcissist you are constantly walking on eggshells trying not to trigger their anger, jealousy or any kind of mood swing that you’ve experienced. You are living in fear and it is not fair to you.
You’ll know you’re in a friendship with a narcissist when they seem jealous instead of joyful for you, when you have an accomplishment.
Or when you are in a hard situation and you are talking about what they are going to wear on their date on Saturday because it is more important.
When you are constantly on guard and walking on eggshells it’s impossible to be your authentic self. You can end up losing yourself to the narcissistic friend and the world deserves to see how amazing you are.
If you feel you are constantly walking on eggshells in your friendship with a narcissist the best thing to do is to try to distance yourself, slowly and steadily, but growing apart is natural, you just need to help it accelerate.
5. They Sabotage Your Other Relationships
If you are in a friendship with a narcissist you might notice that when you are in any other relationship there is a constant questioning of the other person, whether you are dating someone new or having coffee with a co-worker.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you will notice that they always have something negative to say with a constant influence that you should get away from the new person that is threatening their supply.
When you are having new relationships constantly sabotaged by having a friendship with a narcissist you are never going to be able to get away from the narcissistic friend because you are never able to create a contact other than them, causing isolation.
If you’re in a friendship with a narcissist and being isolated and discouraged from other friendships. The best thing you can do for yourself is start talking more to the new friends and less to the narcissistic friend.
6. They Expect Unquestioning Loyalty, but Offer None
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you are expected to answer every call, text, and request, but you are not to expect the same in return. You can not have other friends but they can have as many as they want and can constantly tell you how amazing they are.
When they betray you they shame you for being offended by their betrayal or blame shift the situation to make you the villain and them the victim
If you express boundaries or shown hurt by something they did, you have all of a sudden offended them by trying to protect yourself.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you will end up losing possible connections that are real and authentic. When a narcissist is manipulating your viewpoint on the new relationship you will end up shutting it down before you even give it a chance.
You do not need to have only one friend. If you have a connection with someone other than the narcissistic friend explore it. It might open your eyes to signs you never saw before.
7. They Mask Manipulation as “Tough Love” or “Honesty”
I’d never lie to you or I’m only saying this because I care about you, are clear openers in a conversation in a friendship with a narcissist. This is the I’m going to insult you but I’ll make it sound like I’m trying to help comments.
A friendship with a narcissist is counting on someone to give you authentic truths, but the information they give you is only to get things to turn to their advantage. Their honesty is the honesty of what they want and they will manipulate the facts to get it.
You trust your friends to a fault, and when they are giving you “tough love” you start to think that something is wrong with you, by the delivery they use. In a friendship with a narcissist this isn’t constructive criticism, this is a jab to get a stronger control of you.
If you’ve identified you might be in friendship with a narcissist do not take their opinion to heart. Look for other opinions and detach from their opinion. It is only a guidance statement to get you under their control.
8. You Feel Emotionally Drained After Every Interaction
You are constantly on stage in a friendship with a narcissist. You have to behave the way they expect, give them the attention they need, and dismiss your feelings and put your life on the back burner in order to be able to give them the supply they require.
If that sounds draining then watch for the red flags that you are in a friendship with a narcissist. If you have left a narcissistically abusive relationship, realize you are going to be drawn to this person because it feels comfortable, because you are used to performing.
When you have to be in character and can not be your authentic self it’s draining. You feel like you constantly are on the clock avoiding the eggshells that will trigger your friend. In a friendship with a narcissist you are always on call 24/7 and need to be ready to perform.
You don’t have to perform. You are not part of the actors guild and if you are you’re still not required to be not yourself in a true friendship. If you feel like each time you are with your “friend” you have to be something you are not. Walk away, you can find someone similar to you.
9. They Don’t Want to Lose You—But Only on Their Terms
In a friendship with a narcissist they will resist your growth and independence and discourage any attempt you are making by trying to distract you with other priorities, usually a critical emergency, like one of five boyfriends dumped them.
Watch what the narcissistic friend is throwing at you. Is it truly for your benefit or is it to hold you back to keep you to their level. A narcissist is known to have a sense of grandeur, so you exceeding their achievements is an alarm to their image.
When you constantly have someone that you think is being supportive, but behind the encouragement is trying to stop you it will hit your subconscious and diminish or eliminate your drive and determination to accomplish your goal.
If you are in a friendship with a narcissist and are seeking independence or starting to distance, realize you are one of their possessions and they are not going to let you just go, unless it’s on their terms like if you are threatening their image.
Psychological and Emotional Toll of Narcissistic Friendships
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist your self-doubt grows as will your anxiety. When you are constantly walking on eggshells trying to say or do the right thing it feels like a job not like something that should be enjoyable and reciprocal. Or you end up with low self-esteem.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you enter a stage of confusion due to cognitive dissonance. You are being told one thing when the reality you see is completely different. Your brain cannot handle the conflicting information.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you need to keep a strong boundary. The narcissist will start toxic patterns that will be normalized. You will wake up one day and think how is this ok, but it had been building to this without resistance all along.
Why You Stay: Trauma Bonds and False Loyalty
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you go through the cycles of idealization and devaluation, where you all of a sudden feel like you mean the world to them and you devote your energy towards them, until they start to devalue you and you start to pull away
It’ has an effect on your emotions when you’re in a friendship with a narcissist, there are times you are not sure if they are your friend or your sworn enemy with a really sweet demeanor.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist you are always hoping they will change or return to the true friend you thought they were, you remember the “good times” but the “good times” were an act to secure their supply.
You have a fear of confrontation or abandonment that was instilled into you during your friendship with a narcissist. They have programmed you with fear and guilt of a confrontation or abandonment.
How to end friendship with a narcissist?
In a friendship with a narcissist it is vital to set and enforce boundaries. You will always feel like you can trust your “friend” but you are going to be blinded by this trust to let down your boundaries, it is important to hold your boundaries no matter how they make you feel.
When you are in a friendship with a narcissist it is hard to go directly to no contact immediately so start easing into it with reduced contact, if they want to go to the farmers market Saturday you are allowed to have oops made other plans.
The minute you realize you are in a friendship with a narcissist, start rebuilding a new support network away from the narcissist. You need space, it’s time to build it outside of the narcissistic friend’s reach.
You are all you got you are all you need! Journal, practice clarity building exercises. Keep reality real, the narcissistic friend is going to manipulate the facts, don’t let their stories destroy your truths. You hold reality, they hold their own version.
A friendship with a narcissist feels like a real connection but unfortunately it’s a conditional arrangement that is draining and the facts and events are manipulated to the extent that it is almost impossible to know the actual truths.
If you’re in a friendship with a narcissist and your instincts are telling you that something is wrong and your well-being is in jeopardy, trust your instincts and run, don’t walk. Your wellbeing needs to be priority number one.
Healthy friendships are a thing, but unfortunately as we go through life we will have at least one friendship with a narcissist. It’s not if it’s when and knowing the facts and how to protect yourself are essential keys in coming out in a healthy growing journey.
If you’re noticing signs of narcissistic abuse or you feel stuck in a narcissistic relationship, you’re not alone — and it’s not your fault. What you’re experiencing is real, and healing is possible.
For more support, visit https://www.themarymcconnell.com for free educational resources, recovery tools, and guidance to help you recognize toxic patterns, rebuild your self-trust, and move forward safely.
If you need immediate help, support is available 24/7: National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/ (1-800-799-7233), Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741), and 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline).
Have you dealt with a narcissist or recovered from narcissistic abuse? If you feel safe, share your experience in the comments — your story might be the moment someone else realizes they’re not “crazy,” they’re being harmed.
Looking for more guidance on narcissism and recovery? Explore the related articles below on boundaries, gaslighting, love bombing, and healing after narcissistic abuse to keep building your path to emotional freedom.
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