Have you ever had that friend that everything revolved around them and their life. You just felt like the side show? Or one who’s needs have to be constantly met or the whole day can be ruined. These are signs of a narcissistic friendship.
Most of the time the signs of a narcissist friendship are overlooked or swept under the carpet, I mean friends can’t be narcissists right? Wrong. If you are seeing signs of a narcissistic friendship, you might be friends with a narc.
I want to help you spot the signs of a narcissistic friendship before it’s too late and you are left emotionally drained. I’m hoping you will learn how to avoid a narcissistic friendship, and protect you from the damage they can cause.
I’ve narrowed it down to 21 signs of a narcissistic friendship to help you see if you are trapped in their abuse cycle. We are going to try to understand the dynamic and signs that you want to avoid.
I’ve even provided personal experiences of the signs as an example of what it looks like in real life.
Understanding Narcissistic Friendships
A narcissistic friendship is a different form of a narcissistic relationship. You will still end up emotionally and mentally damaged from the tactics they use on you. Yet you will still defend them with “that’s just the way they are”.
Yet it differs from a romantic relationship, I mean you expect romantic partners to leave at some point, and then you get relief, but your best friend that’s supposed to be life-long
Narcissistic friendships are harder to spot. When a romantic partner says something mean it’s easy to see, but when a best friend says something you know you’re friend is just being honest with you, not intending to hurt you, Right?
When you end up being wrong though it causes confusion, exhaustion, and destroys your trust. Unfortunately if you come out a narcissistic romantic relationship, a narcissistic friend is like a pacifier of abuse that makes you comfortable.
I know that sounds strange, but if you were with a narcissist long enough you develop this pattern/routine you are used to being abused, so it feels just like breathing or eating, so when you leave the toxic situation, You feel like abuse is the norm.
21 Clear Signs of a Narcissistic Friendship
1. They dominate conversations and shift focus to themselves
When all they want to talk about is them and their life. You have a life too and you should be able to discuss what is happening in your life and get good feedback, not a redirection of the conversation back to what is going on in their life.
I remember talking to a friend right after I left my narcissist, about what he had done to me and said to me. She honestly told me that her husband was a narcissist as well, and all we ever talked about was how he wouldn’t go hiking with her, that’s what made him a narc?????
They are seeking validation and attention, just like a romantic narcissistic partner, they need all your time, energy and attention, leaving nothing left for you to use yourself.
2. They rarely show genuine interest in your life
Keep in mind a narcissist believes the world revolves around them. It would be, If you are trying to tell them something major that is going on in your life and they could care less.
As I tried to explain to the same friend that a narcissist puts you down and plays mind games with you just to scratch the surface, a narcissist isn’t someone who isn’t interested in the same hobby as you. But yet all we ever did was talk about her now ended marriage.
Psychologically this is demonstrating the entitlement and grandiosity of a narcissist. They truly feel that they and anything they are going through is far more important and extreme than anything you can be dealing with.
3. They’re only around when they need something
Have you ever had that friend that only shows up when they need to borrow something, or only calls when they need your help. And if you call them to help you move, they forget to call you back until a couple weeks after you’ve moved.
Since leaving my narc, I’ve moved a total of four times in two years. I helped a friend out majorly with covering his rent. The funny thing was he was too busy to help me move, but was fine to come over and have a couple beers and catch up after I was settled in.
A narcissist will show up if they can exhaust minimal effort and look like the hero in the story, a narcissist never truly wants to do anything for anyone other than themselves, so if they are going to help someone they need the whole world to know how amazing they are.
4. Your achievements trigger their jealousy or downplay
A narcissist feels that they are at all times the most important person. So if they are seeing someone close to them get acknowledged for an accomplishment and they can’t take the credit for your accomplishment, then they show the jealousy by downplaying what you’ve achieved.
I won an award last year, and went to a gala to receive it. I took my best friend and asked her to get pictures and videos of me receiving my award. When we got back to the hotel room that night, there were 10 pictures of me, and 38 selfies of her. I had to ask the organizer for photos.
A narcissist has a fragile self image, I know they don’t show it, but they secretly don’t like themselves. So when someone close to them is getting recognized for accomplishing something, they have to try to make themselves more important to protect their own self image.
5. They guilt-trip you for setting boundaries
When you set a boundary with a narcissist of course they don’t like it, you are telling them they can’t do whatever they want, they don’t like that. They are going to make you feel guilty for protecting yourself, they want to take advantage of you and you’re stopping them.
When I told my friend that if she wanted to go do things with me she needed to start paying for herself, she started in on the sob story of how she can’t get a job because she doesn’t know what she wants to do, and I should be patient with her and help her until she gets back on her feet.
A narc’s only priority in life is getting their needs met if you are establishing boundaries to protect yourself, they see this as a challenge and are truly offended that you will no longer let them take advantage of you, they do feel you owe them but you don’t. Protect yourself.
6. They use backhanded compliments
A compliment is something nice said to you. But when a narcissist compliments you they have to protect their overinflated opinion of themselves, so with every compliment there is a back end degrading side note included.
When I put on my ball gown for the gala that night, she told me I looked lovely, if I was about 20 pounds lighter, I would be a knockout. Ummmm Ok well I’m not so, how about we just say something nice and move on.
A narcissist knows the proper thing to do so they compliment you, but in order to keep their own fragile self with the overinflated opinion they need to remind you that you are not better than them in their mind. And you are never as amazing as they are.
7. They play the victim when held accountable
If you have ever called your narcissistic friend out on something you have seen how this plays out. You start off mad at them for what they did, but they convince you how it was not their fault they were the victim, you just got caught in the cross fire.
When I asked about why all the selfies and so few pictures of me since it was my event. She let me know how she would never be able to do what I did and get this award, I’ll get so many more in my life, so she just wanted to feel like she was special too.
A narcissist needs a supply of attention and grandness instilled into them, but the last thing they want is accountability. So if they can make you feel bad for them, how can you be mad at them and if you’re not mad at them, they did nothing wrong.
8. They manipulate through triangulation (involving third parties)
The more you are told something the more you believe it. A narcissist will actually make up a third party’s opinion or manipulate what they actually said to have a third party on their side, even if the third party is unaware.
My friend was telling me all about how some friends wanted to get a trip together to go to Sedona for a healing weekend. Sounds cool ok I look everything up and send out a text with ideas, turns out she was the only one that wanted to go to Sedona. No one else even knew about it
This is a manipulation tactic all narcissists use. They add someone else to their side, to show that they have support, this is also used in a disagreement, by bringing in another person’s opinion that aligns with the narc, you can feel outnumbered and over powered.
9. You feel emotionally exhausted after interactions
When you leave a friend or hang up the phone you should feel emotionally balanced, that’s what friends do, they are there for you and you are there for them to help each other emotionally. But if you are feeling emotionally drained, that is not a healthy relationship.
I had a narcissistic friend, and didn’t realize I was calling my other friend every time I was around this person looking for an emotional rebuild, until one day it just dawned on me, when I am not around this person my emotional stability is amazing.
When you are around a narcissist you are in a constant state of alertness, this is stressful, so when you get away you feel like you just got off of work rather than a casual lunch. Your body and mind are going through a detox of cortisol, so that takes all your energy and exhausts you.
10. They constantly seek validation and praise
Yippy you put on your seat belt, so proud of you. Yes that sounds silly to say to a grown adult, but honestly if you can’t find anything else to praise them, this one works. The narc has no self value, they get it strictly from the praise and validation of other people.
I’ve seen this in my friend, where if you didn’t praise her at least once a day, she was in a mood, I got in the habit of telling her how smart she was at least once a day, to keep her happy. Unfortunately she was not that smart, but I let her find that out on her own.
Like we’ve talked about, a narcissist has no sense of self worth. The only way they feel good about themselves is by the opinion of others. They need this constant supply to feel like they mean as much as they think they should mean to others.
11. Your problems are dismissed or minimized
When you have a problem your first response is to call a friend to talk through it right? Well when you call that friend are they helpful and supportive or is it cut you off mid sentence about your break up, oh that sucks, well Jim called and we’re going out tonight, and your problem is done.
I had a court hearing in my divorce the next morning when my room mate came home from her date and needed to tell me all about it, as I was balling my eyes out because of a nasty email I had just received from my Ex, that literally broke my heart, but we never talked about that.
A narcissist taking over being the center of the attention is no surprise. With the lack of morals and self love they have for themselves. They are seeking love from you, and without a moral compass all they know is how to take care of their needs. No one else really matters.
12. They subtly sabotage your relationships
The friend that criticizes every person you date. Or is constantly telling you to leave them. If a narc sees you happy with someone other than them, it’s a red flag for them. They need to be the only person draining you, they have to get rid of anything that takes your attention from them.
My roommate, when I started dating a guy, she would point out how he was using me.The funny thing was that she was using me, but pointing out things that he did that could be manipulated into possibly cheating on me or using me for money. Keeping my resources available to only her.
The narcissist needs a constant flow of attention and supply, some even need it financially. The narc doesn’t want competition, the competitor might get more than them or something better. They want it all; they are greedy little gremlins.
13. They have a superiority complex over you
The narcissist friend feels that they are better than you and more deserving than you, no matter what is at stake. You could be an accountant and they are a writer. They will still feel that they know more about accounting than you do.
My room mate would always remind me of how she was prettier than me and more men are attracted to her. The funny thing was she did have more men because she was easy., not because she was prettier, poor little thing just needed to feel superior in her own mind.
The narcissist sense of superiority is constantly on display whether it’s the way they walk in front of you or provide you with what you think, deciding on their own that they know what’s best for you.
14. You’re walking on eggshells around them
When you are with a true friend you should be able to be yourself and not need to act a certain way to avoid certain conversation topics.. If you have to hide a part of you and walk on eggshells that’s a sign of a narcissistic friend.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was still with his best friend. I could not bring my boyfriend around her or she would flirt with him. I couldn’t talk about how things were going with us or it turned into a sob fest of her betrayal. That is like living a dual life.
A narcissist is great at destroying positive feelings and emotions to keep you in their control. If you are not comfortable talking about certain things with someone because you are scared of the reaction you will receive that is having to walk on eggshells.
15. They make everything a competition
With the narcissist always having to know that they are better than everyone else. Everything becomes a competition. They have to dominate it as well or all hell will break loose of how it was someone else’s fault that they didn’t win.
When I got pregnant with my first child it was a true miracle. I wasn’t supposed to be able to get pregnant, I was taking the initial blood test for IFV, and we were making a large financial commitment to have a child. But my initial blood work showed I was actually pregnant.
While most people were thrilled for us, she made it a competition. She had to have a bigger baby shower, she needed a $2000 crib, I wasn’t doing things right like she was so I was going to end up with birth defects. It was miserable to be pregnant with this woman.
The narcissist feels that they are always competing to be the best. It doesn’t matter if there is an actual competition or not. I mean really who thinks that being pregnant at the same time while being friends is a competition and not an opportunity to bond. A narcissistic friend that’s who.
16. They talk behind your back but deny it
I’m sure everyone has had a rumor spread about them. But when it’s your best friend that is spreading and then telling you that they are trying to fight for you. This is a narcissistic move to emotionally bring you down to their level.
Unfortunately I saw a lot of this after leaving my now ex husband. Rumors flew around like wildfire about me. I had moved across the country so I was an easy target. I was fine, until I found out my best friend I was confiding in was the one spreading the rumors about me.
I had gone as far as to start telling each friend that still talked to my ex a different lie about something I did. I.e. took money out of the bank without him knowing. I waited to see what he confronted me on and figured out who was talking about me.
A narcissist feels a sense of importance when they have information that others do not. That is why they are the first to tell others this new information they have. It puts them in the spotlight as they want. But they usually rush to tell others and never check for the facts.
17. You feel obligated to keep the friendship
When you feel emotionally drained every time you are around someone, wouldn’t you want to not be around them? Of course but with the narcissist you feel like you want to leave but you can’t. No they are not holding a gun to your head, but still you just can’t walk away.
When my roommate moved out, I still took her daily calls telling me about how everyone is screwing her over and nothing is fair, and I felt like she was in a struggle so I had to be there for her. It was the right thing to do. But it wasn’t, I was feeling obligated not happy to talk to her.
You are never obligated to be someone’s friend. You get to choose who you spend time with. You do have to be firm in making the conscious decision to spend time with people that you enjoy being around, not that you feel like it’s time to clock in for the friendship job.
18. They mimic empathy but lack true concern
Have you ever had someone that says ahhh that sucks, ok well anyways. Empathy is not just an I’m sorry that happened to you. Empathy is actually having true concern. A narcissist’s only concern is of themselves, so they have to pretend to know what empathy is.
When I would tell my friend about a guy that I was dating that I thought I was truly in love with, but I was pretty sure he was cheating. Her response was that sucks, dump him, let’s go to Nashville for the weekend and live it up to get over him. Yes she just wanted a getaway, no care about me.
A narcissist can take a bad situation and put on a performance of a lifetime showing empathy, but inside they are just looking for how to benefit from all this work they are having to do pretending to be concerned about you.
19. They gaslight your memories or feelings
When you have a memory or feeling it is how you and only you feel or remember. A true friend will listen to your version and if a fact is wrong might point it out if it’s relevant. A narcissistic friend will point out how their involvement should mean the world to you.
When I was moving on one move a friend stopped by and helped me move a couch, but when I was telling my moving adventure to someone, they had to interject how they were the only person that helped me. Night and day they were there. It’s now about them.
A narcissist is lazy but feels they deserve to be praised for the minimal that they do. By gaslighting or hijacking your memories or feelings they can be sure that you see them for the praise they want and miss the fact that they were in fact not helping.
20. They exploit your vulnerabilities against you
We’ve talked about how you always have to be on guard and alert when you are around a narcissist. When you show a vulnerability to a narcissist it is like bleeding in a school of sharks. They are looking for any opportunity and if it hurts you that’s ok they still get what they want.
While I was supporting my roommate, she decided to move out, primarily because I asked her to get a job and start contributing to bills.. She ended up trying to shake me down for cash when I didn’t give in. She went to my ex husband who I am still battling in court.
He started giving her money, so she would provide testimony against me in court. False testimony but testimony to a judge, nonetheless. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw her name on my court documents.
A narcissist does not know boundaries. They feel that boundaries don’t apply to them, like they are above the law. It is part of the grandiose personality. They have to feel that they have gotten the upper hand in every situation.
21.You feel worse about yourself after spending time with them
When you spend time with a friend it should be a joyous occasion that you look forward to and brings a smile to your face when you look back at the memory. You should never with a real friend feel like I’m glad that’s over.
When my roommate moved out it was at that moment, I was relieved that she was gone, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of me. Then I realized that isn’t a real true friendship that is a narcissistic friendship, and I needed to distance myself.
A narcissist’s only function is to fill their needs and wants, caring nothing about anyone else involved. So as long as they feel good about themselves, it can come at your expense and that is what makes you feel worse after being around them, almost like they are eating you away.
Emotional Impact of Narcissistic Friendships
The long-term psychological effects of any type of narcissistic abuse includes low self-esteem and trust issues. That’s why it’s important to know the signs of a narcissistic friendship. And find a way out of it.
There are good friends out there, that are there for you and you are there for them, that is what a true friendship is not belittling and being held back so one friend can advance. Once you lose trust for a friend it is hard to trust again, but take the chance. Trust me.
When a friend is pushing you to achieve a goal it is supportive, but when a sign of a narcissistic friendship is a friend pushing you towards something that goes against your beliefs but you do it to make your friend happy this is called cognitive dissonance.
Cognitive dissonance is when you act in a way that goes against what you believe is right. Once you experience a cognitive dissonance it can lead to a trauma bond, keeping you from being able to walk away from this unhealthy friendship.
When you are looking at the signs of a narcissistic friendship you’ll notice most cause guilt. The narcissist uses guilt as a tool, so you are overrun with a feeling of guilt already, with the narc now blaming you. Leaving you blaming yourself for anything and everything.
How to Protect Yourself or Break Free
By setting and upholding healthy boundaries you can maintain the friendship, but you need the boundaries to be respected. If they are discarded from the get go, you are not going to be able to find a healthy balance.
If you see signs of a narcissistic friendship it is import to start to emotionally detach. Yes this is difficult, but you need to start seeing this friend as the danger creature they are. And your self protection should be priority number one.
If boundaries can not be respected or you see more signs of a narcissistic friendship that you just can’t get through together it’s ok to cut ties and move on. You do want to be careful on your exit strategy though.
A narcissist is going to make everything your fault no matter what so letting them know hey your a narcissist and I don’t want to be friends anymore, it’s safer to slowly remove yourself from the narc, and gray rock as much as possible. You can be busy when they call.
After the break up because you saw the signs of a narcissistic friendship, it’s normal to need to heal and recover. Support groups, coaches, and therapists are good sources. It’s a little uncomfortable and gossipy to run to another friend to talk through it but can help..
If you’ve seen the signs of a narcissistic friendship, but weren’t sure, I’m hoping this has helped you to find clarity. A narcissistic relationship isn’t limited to romantic or family, you can end up being friends with a narcissist and not even realize it.
If you are experiencing signs of a narcissistic friendship it’s important to prioritize your mental health and keep abreast of your self-worth until you can get away..
If you survive the signs of a narcissistic friendship, you are able to use it as a learning experience to build strong healthy friendships in the future. Healing is possible, but getting out of the situation is the first step.
If you recognize these signs or feel trapped in a narcissistic relationship, please know that you’re not alone – and it’s not your fault.
Your healing journey matters, and support is available. Visit themarymcconnell.com for free educational resources, recovery tools, and a community of survivors who understand exactly what you’re going through.
For immediate help: • National Domestic Violence Hotline:https://www.thehotline.org/ | Ca
ll 1-800-799-7233 • Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 • National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988
Your voice matters. If you have additional resources that have helped you, please share them in the comments below – together we can create a network of support for everyone who needs it.
Have you dealt with a narcissist? Your story could help someone else recognize the signs or feel less alone. Share your experience in the comments if you feel comfortable doing so.
Remember: You deserve love that feels safe, not chaotic. You deserve respect, not manipulation. You deserve healing, and it’s possible. 💙
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