Introduction
You want to love again but this time, without losing yourself. Dating after narcissistic abuse isn’t easy though, we are guarded and judgemental because we are scared, and it’s a normal feeling.
Dating after narcissistic abuse is a combination of fear, confusion and hope wrapped in a red heart with a crack in it. The dating world most likely isn’t what it was when you first met your narcissist. Things have changed and it’s kind of intimidating.
Narcissistic abuse destroys your trust, self worth, along with the emotional and mental damage. Dating after narcissistic abuse you have to not only conquer the dating world you are doing it while carrying this baggage with you.
I’ve designed 9 rules that I used and adapted when I started dating after narcissistic abuse. It was a challenge but it can be done, we just have to be careful to not fall for another narcissist.
The Emotional Impact of Narcissistic Abuse on Dating
Dating after narcissistic abuse is overcoming trust issues not only in others, but also in yourself. The mental abuse you suffered takes time to heal and trusting yourself again will also take time, and unfortunately you can’t trust others if you don’t trust yourself.
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse you will have a fear of repeating the narcissistic cycle, the manipulation and the love bombing. You are going to be hypersensitive to any flag, but take time to analyze the person, not the act.
You can jump to conclusions quickly if you are too hypervigilant on the narc signs, everyone can have a one time narc move, but remember you are looking for a pattern not a one time they brought me flowers and candy, they must be love bombing.
Always remember in dating after narcissistic abuse, you’re not broken, you are just healing. You are going to make mistakes and that’s ok. You are going to get dumped, it sucks but chocolate and friends help. It’s new and scary but it’s worth it.
9 Empowering Rules to Protect Your Heart and Trust Again
Rule #1: Rebuild Your Relationship with Yourself First
Before you even think about dating after narcissistic abuse you need to reconnect with your values, needs, and boundaries. Remember we are not trying to repeat the past so we need to correct ourselves before we enter this scary dating world armed with who we actually are.
You can ease into dating after narcissistic abuse with preplanning and reflection. If you have a date coming up, have a friend who understands what you went through do a mock date with you, journal your feelings and talk about it with your therapist or support group.
Self trust has to be your ultimate compass dating after narcissistic abuse, if it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right and it’s ok to walk away. Unlike the narcissist you left, this person does not have control over you and you can just say No.
Rule #2: Don’t Confuse Chemistry for Compatibility
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse you can easily become trauma bonded to the new person in your life and it will feel like attraction. You are still adjusting and learning to be yourself, and if you are not solid in who you are you can bond with the wrong person.
When you first start dating after narcissistic abuse, I will tell you from experience, you fall for the love bombing and compliments, because that was how the narcissist got your attention and when they ghost you it feels normal because that’s what the narc did.
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse and you spot the love bombing for what it is, and when they ghost you, you drop them because that’s what is normal. That is the moment you know you’ve found your true self and you are ready to seriously date.
As you grow yourself and find yourself dating after narcissistic abuse becomes something you can spot the adrenaline portion with the love bombing and ghosting, and see the emotionally safe parts with someone who is consistent and building the connection.
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse the biggest tip I can offer is look for a slow building connection over time, and run from the instant obsession.
Rule #3: Watch for Early Red Flags—And Don’t Rationalize Them
If you are dating after narcissistic abuse, you are still learning new terms and phrases, but love bombing and rushing intimacy are terms you need to be well aware of and understand that boundary pushing goes right along with these.
As survivors we often justify these behaviors because it was common in our relationship, when you are dating after narcissistic abuse your number one goal is to not end up back in a narcissistic relationship so why would this be ok in this relationship if it wasn’t in the last one.
The nice thing about these red flags is that they show up early so it is easier to walk away without feelings. If they are love bombing they may try to use the sympathy card when you walk away but from my experience it’s easier if you walk away early rather than cuddle their emotions.
- Use a checklist format: “Red Flags to Never Ignore”
Rule #4: Set Boundaries Early—And Watch How They React
By practicing boundaries in small ways early on dating after narcissistic abuse, it lets you test that you can maintain those boundaries and re assess them as needed. Boundaries are a new thing for us, so we are allowed to try them early and tweak them as needed.
I’m not saying let them down though in any way, a healthy person will respect your boundaries and will understand if they are changing as time changes, a narcissist will see you putting a boundary up as a challenge to overcome.
- Sample boundary phrases for first few dates
Rule #5: Let People Earn Your Vulnerability Over Time
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse no one needs to know your full back story on the first date or even in the first weeks. This is a time to get to know them with no clouded behavior, knowing that you know what to look for if they are another narc.
Pace yourself emotionally, try not to fall in “love” with someone. It’s ok to date someone without being fully in love with them. You are dating them to get to know them. You don’t just see someone and say ok you're my partner now, we’re in love and together. The end.
Practice saying “ I take time to get to know someone before I jump in both feet”, or if the L word “Love” is brought up I let them know I don’t use that word until I know you for at least 3 months.
No, there's not really a date on the calendar I mark, but it gives me time to think about it before I say it.
Rule #6: Don’t Date to Fill a Void—Date to Build a Life
If you are dating after narcissistic abuse as a form of healing from loneliness or pain. You are not dating, you’re getting supply, not like the narc’s supply, they are trying to drain, you are trying to fill a void, different but still not real love.
Don’t focus on the validation this person makes you feel, focus on the real connection between you. You can find cheerleaders anywhere, friends, family, co-workers. That’s not what you’re looking for in a partner, yes they should validate but that’s not a connection.
Go into dating after narcissistic abuse with the mindset I’m not looking for a savior, I’m looking for a partner. You don’t want someone to take care of you, you want someone by your side that makes you happy and you make them happy just being around each other.
Rule #7: Vet Their Emotional Maturity, Not Just Their Charm
When you’re dating after narcissistic abuse you need to take the time to vet a potential new partner to avoid falling back into the narcissistic cycle. Watch for traits like accountability, consistency, and self awareness in your potential new partner.
Questions to ask yourself:
- Do they apologize? - A narcissist believes they do no wrong, so if this new person is genuinely apologizing that is a good sign, keep an eye out for fake apologies or blame shifting apologies.
- Do they listen to feedback? - If they are willing to accept that they have areas they need to improve, that is huge. A narcissist thinks they are perfect and feedback is an attack, a healthy person accepts it and sometimes even appreciates it.
- Can they sit with discomfort? - If a narcissist is confronted with a flaw, they can not simply sit with it. A narcissist would have to justify or shift blame, kind of like jumping on hot coals, a healthy person is ok with a critic and does inner work to improve themselves.
Rule #8: Take Breaks When Triggered—Don’t Push Through the Pain
If you have a bad date it’s ok, it happens all the time, and it is normal. It’s also ok to take a pause, do some crying, binge watch romantic comedies with chocolate ice cream, but reflect on what happened so you can try to prevent it next time.
*Yes. I know when you are here, there won’t be a next time you are done dating, but you’ll see that one person and totally forget that rule with one smile.*
Dating after narcissistic abuse is going to cause triggers and emotional flashbacks, it is normal, it will not feel normal but it is and you need to take time and look at what caused the trigger, not just turn to avoidance tactics.
Keep your favorite nervous system tools and tactics handy. Whether it’s deep breathing, journaling, or a safe friend support system. Your nervous system is entering new territory and may need an occasional reset.
Rule #9: Trust Yourself, Even If You're Scared (
When you are dating after narcissistic abuse you have to relearn how to trust your intuition. You need to believe in it wholeheartedly. It was right all along while you were with the narcissist but they taught you to completely dismiss it, now you need to trust it again.
Remember dating after narcissistic abuse is ok and can be completely normal. Just because you’re scared doesn’t mean you’re not ready, it may be just what you need, to see how you should have been treated all along.
And yes you will make mistakes, possibly even have embarrassing moments or make bad decisions for 1 night. Give yourself permission to mess up, then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, adjust yourself and try again. You’re not going to find your mate on the first try.
When to Seek Support While Dating in Recovery
You will see signs that you're not ready, if you are making the decision to go out with someone just because you're scared to be alone, you’re not dating, you're looking for a provider to take care of you. You need to build, you, not have someone else do it.
On the opposite side dating after narcissistic abuse, you might compulsively date, not settling down with anyone because you don’t want to get into the narcissistic relationship again, and everyone showed you a red flag.
As you enter dating after narcissistic abuse, support and help are the biggest things you need. You are learning something completely new, think of it as having a dating study group, where you get help learning how to date.
A trauma informed therapist can act as a teacher to guide you through the book work, and a strong support group can help you to study in real life situations. Both are important when you are dating after narcissistic abuse to keep your reality in perspective.
Final Thoughts
It’s strange in the morning now waking up knowing I’m no longer the person who tolerated abuse, and looking at what I’ve learned along the way. It’s definitely a bumpy road but it’s worth it, if you don’t find forever love you can still find forever friends, and both are great.
Now it’s your turn to try dating after narcissistic abuse. Yes it’s scary and new and different. You are strong though and smart and when it feels right it’s ok to go out to dinner with someone, you’re not planning forever, you're planning a dinner.
Safe love is a real thing, you can choose to have, and knowing yourself will help you every step of the way. Dating after narcissistic abuse is like everyday dating. We have different walls up, and if someone can’t respect that they can’t respect you and aren’t worth your time.
You are not starting over, you are starting stronger. Don’t look at this time as a loss that you need to replace, think of this as your opportunity for an upgrade. This is your glow up time anyway, shouldn’t you upgrade your partner while you are upgrading your life.